Went out partying yesterday, but for my usual

WEDNESDAY, APR 26, 2023 AT 8:49 AM •

Would I ever be out and about without these ladies? I highly doubt it.
First off. I am not comfortable around people. Allot of you will know that already from seeing me around people. Well at least Not until I get to know much better. To that being it takes me ages before I get comfortable around someone. Then again I don’t think I really get comfortable at all.

When I talk to someone I stumble over words. It’s like when I open my mouth and I listen to myself talking gobble goop start coming out. So I check my self and don’t really talk at all. So in the long run I am not a social butterfly in way at all. Small talk is not my thing. If someone I know comes up to talk with me I will make the greeting of saying hi and getting my hug. That is because I haven’t seen in so long and love to meet up with them again. But the thing is I don’t keep the talk up. My eyes start darting to the next place I can go. I try to keep my attention on the conversation, but for some reason my mind starts to wandering other places. Maybe it is some sort of panic that I have. I can’t really tell you what is happening, but I can’t seem to stay with one person one on one.

For some people they think I am standoffish. Others think they can’t be friends with me. Then there are others who ridicule and talk behind my back about who I am and who I should be. I don’t let people in easily. The shell has built up over years and years and years. From my time in school on. Or even before that when family got together and I was left out of cousin playing together. Is it me or is it them?

I guess I will never know. I always thought it was me and that is why I never get close. I keep distance to not be hurt.

So now this year I am turning 65. I still have the walls built up around me. I love to live my life, but this wall keeps coming up over and over again. I push myself to come out and enjoy myself, but there is always that self doubt. In a way I call this my disability. It is nothing you can see. Just like my fribromyalgia and my arthritis. You can’t see it until there is a flare. And then sometimes it is still not seen.

So I go about it in other ways. I push myself to get out of the box. The self doubt is there and will be in the background with me, but I push myself.

First I give myself a push to go do something. Should I go or should I not. Get yourself out there and at least see people. Well I do go. Now what?

So here is where the red hat society comes into play for me. I have found a ninch to being able to be around and visit with friends and not really need the talking part. You see I am naturally a loner. I would keep to myself, hide in my studio craft room and just work on something day or night. I would probably never come out of there at all.

Food. Well I would snack on something every now and then. People. Well every now and then take a walk to see people but never to talk to them. A people watcher, but that is about it. Well maybe not a people watcher as I walk with my head down. Never making any contact..As I said not a people person I is.

Now I say. How the heck can I write so much on this blog about things that are going on, but can’t talk to someone. I don’t see the people reading this. As if there is even anyone that does read these. I can say a couple as I have had a few comments on post I have written in the past. I make these post as I need to write down and put into perspective that I did do something in my life other then being in my craft room creating. To show there was something in my life that I had actually done. That I really am not just a nobody that actually probably should not been here in the first place. Sorry that is some depression popping in. It does that every now and then.

I was at a training the other day for my modelling. There were a few people there for the training. I watched everyone. They were paring off in groups of who they knew already. I was the newbie that had never been to this training before. So I stood off to the side and watched the groups join together. As usual. I was not comfortable with being there, but need the training in order to be able to do the job. Now wondering what I may have gotten myself into with this position. Well will see. Well I got the call yesterday. Said I looked like I was too overwhelmed for doing this position. So I was out of that thing to do. The thing is I have been modelling for two years now and I have never had any complaints. It was just the thing that I was in a little flare at the time. So I was just a little out of it. Or maybe I was allot out of it.because they said I wasn’t cut out for this type of work. That kinda got on my self assuredness. I felt pretty bad for the day. Well what do they know. I am still doing this for other groups, but dang the money was going to be good for doing it for them.

Well I am over that now. Well maybe. Give it a few days. I enjoy doing it though. So will let it slide.

So now yesterday I went to a red hat get together. My usual. Not saying very much. Some ladies would come up to me and say hi. I would do my greetings. Then there is a low in the conversation and I wonder what I should say. My eyes start darting to other places to escape. I don’t know why I can’t keep a conversation up. A little small talk and then I am out of there. Or in other words they start looking for someone else to talk to as I am not saying anything anymore. I really don’t know why I go to these things. I don’t socialize. I do enjoy the day though. Being out with other people.

I am going to another convention in a couple of weeks. I will question myself for going. I don’t know anyone. Well maybe a couple of people. I will hang with them for as much as I can, but getting to know a few others will be my draw back to going. I have met so many wonderful ladies, but would I be close to them or hang out with them is another story.

So I have worked out another way to get around the room. I make small talk with people and then I can move on. I grab my camera. I stand at the back of a room. Zoom in on smiling faces if I can and then snap. Zoom in somewhere else and snap. I move around the room and take multiple pictures. I chat with people as I go by. A hand on a shoulder. A move in and hug. A hi here or a little more there. But not staying in one place very long. It has worked a few wonders for me lately. I end up with a few great pictures. More duds then I want to shake a hand at and a few so so pictures. But I see people. I take a little and I am busy.
I have been blessed to have been seated at some ta2bles that have the best ladies at them. A place where the laughter flows and the conversation goes. I can get my two cents in every now and then and

I have been blessed to have been seated at some tables that have the best ladies at them. A place where the laughter flows and the conversation goes. I can get my two cents in every now and then and totally enjoy myself along with working the room with my camera. Then some times I am blessed with a table of people who do not work good together. There is no chatting and people wish to move to another table after the dinner is over. Sometimes I have been left at a table by myself. So around the room I go, but finally head to my room as I don’t feel comfortable anymore. I can say it is the very odd time I get a table like that. I can say I have been blessed more times with a table of fun loving ladies who love to have some fun.

I have done enough chatting for now. Put my frustration down in this blog. I can type til the horses come home, but to say three words in a row. Well that is another story.

So my camera and I are the best buddies. I am so glad that digital came along. I don’t think I could afford the processing of film. I can get 300 to 400 pictures in one night. And I am in my glory of being able to meet up and do a little chat.

Well that is my fobia for now. It seems to have gotten allot worse now that Covid is over and I have to be able to go out and about again.
So talk to you later. In a matter of speaking.


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